Non-DBZ Jokes
Husband wanted
A lonely spinster, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She decided to put an ad in the local paper that read: "HUSBAND WANTED, must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me, and must still be good in bed! All applicants apply in person."
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay she opened the door to see a gray haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs. She asked sardonically, "You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!"
The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"
She snorted, "You don’t have any hands either!"
Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently, "Are you still good in bed?"
With that, the old gentleman beamed a broad smile, "I rang the doorbell didn’t I?"
Perished nuns
A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.
He asks the first nun, "Sister Karen, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
The nun giggles and slyly replies, "Well once I touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."
St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next nun the same question, "Sister Elizabeth have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
The nun is a little reluctant but replies "Well once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of nuns, one nuns is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says "Sister, Sister what seems to be the rush?!"
The nun replies, "If I’m going to have to gargle that holy water, I want to go before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"
Michael the Dragon Master
Michael the Dragon Master was an official in King Arthur's court. He had a long-standing obsession....to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts....but he knew the penalty for this would be death.
One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio, who was the King's chief physician. Horatio said "I can arrange it, but I will need 1,000 gold coins to pay bribes". Michael the Dragon Master readily agreed.
The next day Horatio made up a batch of itching lotion and poured a little of it into the Queens brassiere while she was taking a bath. Soon after she dressed the itching commenced and grew in intensity.
Upon being called to the royal chambers, Horatio told the King that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown such a saliva was only to be found in Michael the Dragon Master's mouth.
King Arthur summoned Michael the Dragon Master and issued the imperial command. Michael the Dragon Master slipped the antidote to the itching lotion, which Horatio had given him, into his mouth and for the next four hours worked passionately on the Queen's magnificent breasts.
Satisfied, he returned to his chamber and found Horatio demanding payment. However, with his obsession now satisfied, he refused to pay Horatio anything and shooed him away, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching lotion into King Arthur's loincloth. And Michael the Dragon Master was again summoned by the King...
Basses
The Cleveland Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage about 20 minutes during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bass players decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one. After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch. "Hey! We need to get back!" he said.
"No need to panic," said a fellow bass player. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."
A few moments later, they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra.
About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion. "Well, of course," said her companion, "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the basses are loaded."
Three Dates
There once was a farmer who was raising three daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered the late teens, the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date.
This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss. The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe. I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.
The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie. I'm here for Betty. We're gonna get some spaghetti. Is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.
The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, "Hi, my name's Chuck... "
And the farmer shot him.
Fighter Pilot
A traveling salesman visits a small town in the Midwest and sees a circus banner reading, "Don't Miss the Amazing Fighter Pilot!"
Curious, he buys a ticket. The tent goes dark. Suddenly, trumpets blare and all eyes turn to the center ring. There, spot lit in the center ring is a table with three walnuts on it.
Standing next to it is a retired Fighter Pilot. The Fighter Pilot suddenly unzips his pants, whips out a huge organ, and smashes all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupts in applause as the retired Fighter Pilot is carried off on the shoulders of the envious crowd.
Ten years later the salesman visits the same little town and he sees the same faded banner. This time, instead of walnuts, three coconuts are on the table. The Fighter Pilot stands before them, then suddenly unzips his fly and smashes the coconuts in the same manner, as before. The crowd goes wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requests a meeting with him after the show.
"You're incredible," he tells the Fighter Pilot, "but I have to know something. You're older now. Why switch from walnuts to coconuts?"
"Well," says the Fighter Pilot, "My eyes aren't what they used to be!"